Episode #1: Misery Loves Company
“Mmmmm…”
“You know ya’ll have the best buns.”
“Mmmmm…?”
“I just can’t wait to put my secret spread all over them… going to be real nice.”
“Mmmm…!”
Albert looked up with his eyes gleaming and mouthwatering as a beep reverberated down the corridor. He quickly disappeared into the darkness and returned momentarily in haste with an excitement that could only be matched by a kid on Christmas morning. Facing the dimly lit counter he licked his lips once again and began his preparations in a surprisingly ordered fashion. Moving with ease and a certain dancer’s rhythmic gracefulness he set himself completing his objective.
“Mmmm…?!”
“Would you shut the fuck up? Can’t you see I’m almost done! Fuck! So fucking rude.” As Albert put the finishing touches on his work he turned toward his captive. Staring down at his prisoner his eyes lit with ill intent as he loosened his pants and licked his lips once more. “Ya’ll have the best buns…”
“What the fuck Albert!?” The sudden female shriek from the shadows caused Albert to panic and drop his meticulously crafted cheeseburger to the floor. Albert erupted in a cry of agony as the burger bun became tainted in a pool of blood at his feet. Saddened he turned towards the voice as a silhouette of a curvy figured emerged from the shadows.
Like a child preparing for punishment Albert looked down at his feet and mumbled “All that hard work wasted…”
“What the fuck are you doing?” Rhonda questioned as she finally fully materialized into the light.
“Ahhhh…hey babe…I was just hungry so I thought I’d come raid the ships kitchen” Albert retorted as he soaked in his wife’s sudden and untimely arrival.
Rhonda was a short curvy woman in her late twenties with a cute button nose and entrancing green eyes. Albert scanned her from her feet that were currently contrasting the cold red of the blood on the floor up her bare legs. Her thighs were perfectly sculpted and only disappeared at the bottom of her night gown. The gown was so short and tight fitting that it left very little to the imagination. He continued his slow methodical scan to her chest where the neck line dipped to reveal a pair of enticing aspects of her.
“And what the fuck! Why the fuck do you have a hard-on making a cheeseburger in the middle of the night?” Rhonda yelled point blank at Albert.
Albert broke his gaze on his wife’s chest and panned down to his sweat pants to see his second in command at full attention. Realizing the situation he was in Albert decided to use his uncanny charm to defuse the dire situation.
“The image of an angel appearing has spurred a burring in my loins and…” Albert began with a childish smirk.
“Oooo cut the shit Albert! We coulda fucked three hours ago while laying the captains quarters, but your loins weren’t burning then!” Rhonda angrily cut him off. “So instead of waking me up to give me some sort of pleasure for once you get up and get a hard-on making a cheeseburger in front of a tied up man?”
“Mmmmm…”
“Babe you know I couldn’t after I drank all of those beers! And plus can you blame me? You know the military burger buns are the best around and I had some of my secret spread left and well it was a match made in heaven and you always talk to me about seizing the moment and…” Albert trailed off as his eyes met Rhonda’s piercing gaze.
Rhonda glared at Albert as she strode past him and ripped the tape off the mouth of the bound officer tied to the support column. He yelped for a split second and then caught himself and regained his composure.
“Officer! Would you rather have your way with this…?” Rhonda paused and waved her hands up and down her body and then continued “or a fucking cheeseburger?”
The man gulped and hesitated for a brief moment before quietly stating “Definitely you.” His eyes nervously darted back and forth between Rhonda and Albert.
“See even this man whose tied up would at least make a few inches disappear with this rather than sneak away to add a few inches to his waistline! What the fuck Al?” Rhonda stated while rotating on a dime to return to her stern glare at Albert.
Albert froze realizing he fucked up. He stood there in the kitchen facing Rhonda and grasped for an explanation that wouldn’t result in a knee swiftly connecting with his still proud junk.
“Ooo yea I would do real bad things to you. Things I wouldn’t even tell my mother about. In fact I’d probably buy a weekend getaway for her just so we could have the apartment to ourselves. Maybe even have my dog kenneled up somewhere too.” The officer confidently stated breaking the silence. “You wouldn’t walk right for weeks.”
Puzzled, both Rhonda and Albert turned slowly to face the constrained man. In the dim light you could see him gazing at Rhonda with his mind racing full of thoughts.
Albert stood there dumbfounded and silent while Rhonda seized the moment to prod the suddenly confident captive.
“O really? What’s your name sweetie?” Rhonda said as she bent at the waist to let night gown drupe low enough to reveal everything to the young man.
“Ummm…Tomlin” the officer replied in a childish demeanor as his face became bright red.
“Haha…. You were named after the great UEE commander Tomlin? Hahaha. I bet your mommy groomed you for this! My lil Tomlin is going to grow up so big and strong just like the infamous commander” Albert said while chuckling uncontrollably.
“You’re going to stand here and let him talk about what he would do to your wife and not even hurt him? You sack of shit!” Rhonda said as she abruptly stood upright sending her knee sailing into Albert’s crotch.
Albert crashed to the ground gasping for air. Out of breath and with his shins and hands in a pool of blood he murmured “His name is Tomlin for god sakes I figured that this was the furthest he’s ever been with a woman. It would tarnish his historic image…haha”
“Miss if you stop all of this right now and turn him in I’ll make sure UEE takes it easy on you and you know… depending on how nice you are maybe even come up with something that will get you out of trouble completely.” Tomlin said with enthusiasm.
“Look he’s even coming up with ways to sleep with me and I bet you still don’t give a shit!” Rhonda said trying to get a rise out of Albert.
“Hahaha sounds like desperation to get laid to me. Fucking white knight bull….” Albert laughingly responded until he received a swift kick to the stomach.
Pissed off at her husband Rhonda leaned over once more towards Tomlin and quietly asked “Tomlin sweetie would you like to know Al’s secret sauce he won’t shut up about?”
“You mean the spread he kept mumbling about in a creepy borderline sexual way?” Tomlin replied.
“I’m warning you woman don’t do it!” Albert said while climbing up the cabinet to get back on his feet.
“Yes that’s the one Tomlin. Well it’s a combination of a little mayo, ketchup, the Vanduul spice kar’ak and…”
“Don’t do it Rhonda! I’m fucking warning you!” Albert yelled as he finally pulled himself up to his feet.
In that instant Tomlin froze. Rhonda… he finally realized he was facing the most notorious pirate couple in the galaxy. Albert and Rhonda…. Known for capturing UEE ships and killing entire crews with just the two of them. Albert and Rhonda…. Known for impersonating crew members and ramming UEE ships into capital ships. Albert and Rhonda… Known for all kinds of criminal smuggling and all around fuckery….
“No! I don’t need to know!” Tomlin yelled as he pissed himself gripped in fear.
“And last but not least Xi’an spice mal’vre.” Rhonda said as she leaned in really close and finished the recipe.
BOOOOOM!
Blood painted Rhonda’s face crimson red and rained down her silk gown as she tumbled backwards onto her butt. With bits of skin and brain clinging to her face Rhonda turned her head and stared furiously at Albert.
Albert was standing by the counter with the blood-soaked cheeseburger at his feet in his dirty sweat pants and his old but trusty Colt 45 in his hand still smoking.
Gazing up, Rhonda looked at Albert who was a tall man with wide set shoulders and a seemingly permanent shit eating grin on his face. Considered roguishly handsome by most, apart from the large scar that ran from his right jaw down to his collar that made him slightly less appeasing. He had received that from Rhonda after she caught him dancing too close with a local in a bar after they had a lover’s quarrel.
Wiping away the mess from her face she yelled “What the fuck Al?”
“I told you not to tell him” Albert calmly replied.
“And I told you never to shoot someone so close to me unless it was life or death you big dumb fuck!”
“It was life or death! He was almost out of his bonds trying to get at you. Heaven only knows what young Tomlin would have done to you and your body if I didn’t stop him” Albert stated while puffing up his chest in a heroic fashion.
“Oohhh fuck off Al! Like this was about saving me! You didn’t say shit when he was talking about making me not walk right for a week, but as soon as I mention your secret spread you shoot him in the head!”
“If I didn’t then my retirement plan of canning and selling that secret spread would never happen. I was protecting our future babe.”
“Don’t fucking babe me asshole! You know what? Fuck it…. You know that spread is already sold in stores, today right? It’s called Mickies sauce you dumb fuck!”
Albert stood in shock. Like his world had just been torn apart before responding “But you told me only I made that sauce and you loved it… and you’ve been then one pushing towards me making it after we get done being badasses… and ya know settle down.”
“Al I only told you that because I like the way it makes you look when you’re thinking. It’s like a toddler that can’t find his favorite toy and it makes me feel way more intelligent then you so I never told you. I never bought that sauce because I didn’t want it to take some part of enjoyment I get out of you from me!” Rhonda coldly stated.
“Wow that hurts babe.” Albert said as he scratched his head and reminisced about all the countless hours he had put into trying to design the can logo that didn’t look stupid with a tiger fighting big squirrel. “You say some mean things sometime babe and it really hurts” Albert heartfeltly stated as he looked Rhonda in the eye.
“Really your hurt? You just shot a guy over a fucking recipe rather than your wife getting railed.” Rhonda shot back quickly.
“I did kinda kill two birds with one stone. Saved my beautiful wife from unwanted sexual advances and protected what I thought was a closely guarded secret that I held so dear for twelve years.” Sighing Albert concluded “Now I guess I just have crushed dreams… twelve fucking years… crushed”
Rhonda wiped more blood from her gown and gracefully got to her feet. She walked over to Albert still sulking about the latest revelation and put her arms around him and kissed him.
“Recipe or not I still love you” Rhonda exclaimed as she looked him in the eye.
Albert smiled that shit eating grin for a brief moment before Rhonda again kneed him square in the groin.
Albert this time didn’t even manage to catch himself with his hands before he hit the freshly splattered blood soaked floor with a thud.
“You know why we didn’t kill him right? He was the engineer officer on this ship and without him we are stuck here in the middle of space you big dumb fucking idiot!” Rhonda screamed as she picked parts of Tomlin’s brain out of her cleavage.
“I made him restore comms” Albert said as he shifted his hands to console his privates.
“Wait you what?” Rhonda questioned.
“I got young brave Tomlin to restore comms before making myself that amazing cheeseburger” Albert replied while staring at his once perfectly made burger loathing on the ground next to him in blood.
“Really how did you manage to do that?” Rhonda asked seemingly surprised Albert had done anything other than consume more booze and food all night.
“You know that dog and mother he talked about? I found their pictures while drunkenly stumbling through his stuff and well he didn’t take it too well when I started in on what I’d do to them once I got off this ship. I think even made him cry at one point” Albert proudly stated.
“I thought his eyes looked a little red” Rhonda added.
“O who am I kidding? I’m being too modest. He was sobbing so hard I had to pistol whip him because I thought he’d wake you up.” Albert said with that shit eating grin on his face.
“Aww that’s so thoughtful of you darling” Rhonda said as she bent down and scratched Albert’s back.
Rhonda then stepped over Albert and walked up the stairs vanishing towards the command deck.
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine” Albert mumbled to himself and serenading his once glorious cheeseburger laying inches from his face.
“Welp I’m going to jump into the shower and get ready for our guests. By the way, what did you exactly tell Tomlin to get him to restore the comms?” Rhonda asked as she came back down the stairs.
“Do you really wanna know?” Albert asked.
“No never mind. You get way too inventive when your drunk and I’d rather not know.” Rhonda quickly responded to avoid Albert’s answer.
“It’s an uncanny ability babe” Albert retorted as he rolled over on his back.
Rhonda bent down and put her hand on his chest and said “I know honey I just wish you would be more inventive with me and not grown men and their pets.”
“You know these ideas just come to me babe” Albert said as he placed his hand over hers.
Rhonda leaned in and kissed him.
“Al do you think after this next ship we can have a nice evening without getting so drunk that you feel more desire for a cheeseburger then me?” Rhonda said as she pulled away.
“You know I’ll do anything for you babe” Albert confessed glaring back up into her green eyes. “We going with the damsel in distress again?”
“If it’s not broke then don’t fix it” answered Rhonda.
“Aww I don’t like it when other people get to see you naked fresh out of the shower” Albert conceded.
“I know babe, but then you get to shoot them in the face” Rhonda said as she got back up and started making her way to the captain’s quarters for her shower.
Smiling Albert continued singing “You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away” as Rhonda disappeared once more into the darkness.
To be continued……
